Porridge the Tartan Cat and the Pet Show Show-Off Read online

  Isla gave her favourite tartan cat (me) a wee stroke. “That’s odd. Your furry tail is still there! You must have accidentally dunked it in the jar of vanishing cream.”

  “This is brawsome news!” exclaimed Ross. “Porridge, if we use the vanishing cream to make the rest of you invisible, you can come to the Best Pet Show without Auntie Hettie seeing you!”

  “Great idea.” Isla snatched up the curious container. “I hope there’s enough left inside.”

  Suddenly the greasy jar slipped from her grip!

  It looped in the air and glooped all over the unfortunate girl.

  SPA-LOOOOP

  The loopy, gloopy vanishing cream totally covered her from top to toe.

  See?

  Och, you can’t.

  “You’re invisible, Isla,” gasped Ross.

  “I’m Invisible Isla,” said Invisible Isla, clearly surprised.

  “We can’t let anyone see you like this,” said Ross.

  “You’re talking to the curtain!” chuckled Invisible Isla. “I’m by the wardrobe!”

  The wardrobe door swung open and a coat flew out. One arm cheekily waved at Ross and then tickled ma nose.

  Cat-CHOOOOOO!

  The eye-catching – I mean nose-tickling – coat gave me an idea. I wear a coat, even when it’s summer. Maybe Invisible Isla could too! I clawed some of Dad’s clothes from the wardrobe and looked up at her.

  “Good thinking, Porridge,” said Invisible Isla. “I can go into my room and cover myself up with my winter clothes! No one will know I’m invisible!”

  Me-genius!

  I proudly strutted around the room.

  “You look a bit odd without a tail,” said Ross.

  A drawer flew open and one of Dad’s socks floated out. “Wear this,” said Invisible Isla, slipping it over ma invisible tail.

  “That looks better,” said Ross.

  Och, it looks like a rubbish sock-puppet show, I meowed, waggling it around.

  “Sorry, Porridge, it’s the best we can do,” said Invisible Isla.

  “Aye, you were the one who sat in vanishing cream,” said Ross.

  Okay – don’t rub it in!

  7

  Something’s Up

  Suddenly the bedroom door swung wide open and a soupy smug dug strolled in. Och, Fluffy-Wuff really made me jump!

  “I’ve got you,” said Invisible Isla, catching me in mid-air with invisible fingers. I floated in the sky like a tartan cloud and waved a cheeky paw at the unimpressed pet.

  “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s SUPURR-PORRIDGE!” I meowed as I swooped over his big-headed head.

  “I could fly if I wanted to,” huffed Fluffy-Wuff.

  Invisible Isla let go and I plopped from the sky like a seagull (which sounds whiffy, but wasn’t), and landed on the soft bouncy bed…

  Me-whumpff!

  …just as Auntie Hettie walked in. I quickly turned myself into a tartan pillow.

  Auntie Hettie glared around and said to Ross, “THAT’S FUNNY. I THOUGHT I HEARD YOUR SISTER IN HERE.”

  “Lots of funny things happen in this house,” replied Ross. As if to prove it, a pair of Dad’s slippers hopped out from under the bed and ran across the room. They skipped around Auntie Hettie’s PET PAMPERING PACK and danced in front of Fluffy-Wuff.

  “OCH, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME! I BET THIS TRICK IS DONE WITH JUMPING BEANS… OR RUNNER BEANS,” she said.

  Nope.

  An invisible Human Bean.

  By now the slippers were bouncing around the springy bed. Fluffy-Wuff pounced and bounced around too. The competitive pet yapped and snapped at the somersaulting slippers.

  “FLUFFY-WUFF, THAT’S ENOUGH!” said Auntie Hettie in a huff.

  But it wasn’t. Still wearing the slippers, Invisible Isla ran out of the bedroom, with the determined dug yap yap yapping at her heels.

  “COME BACK!” cried Auntie Hettie, jogging after her pesky pet. “SAVE YOUR SPARK – AND YOUR BARK – FOR THE BEST PET SHOW!”

  I could hear yapping and yelling all around the house. Then two playful slippers ran back into the room and hopped back under the bed.

  “I gave Fluffy-Wuff the slip instead of the slippers,” giggled Invisible Isla. “Now I’d better run into my bedroom and put on some eye-catching clothing.”

  Ross grabbed the PET PAMPERING PACK. “And I’d better get this downstairs,” he said, “so Auntie Hettie can spruce up that pooch.”

  Och – it doesn’t take a cat long to get ready.

  I’ve got it licked.

  8

  A Short Chapter…

  …where Fluffy-Wuff gets into a lather.

  Och, and a rather big sink!

  As the sploshes of tomato soup were washed off, the drippy dug wriggled!

  And I giggled.

  9

  Told You It Was Short!

  By the time Invisible Isla came into the kitchen, Fluffy-Wuff was having a wee catnap in MY basket!

  Me-groan

  Auntie Hettie looked surprised to see what Invisible Isla was wearing:

  “OH, THERE YOU ARE, ISLA. WHY ARE YOU WEARING WINTER CLOTHES IN THE SUMMER?”

  “I’ve got a cold,” replied Invisible Isla, putting on a scarf and a croaky voice.

  “YOU WERE FINE A FEW MINUTES AGO.”

  “What time does the Best Pet Show start, Auntie Hettie?” asked Ross, quickly changing the subject.

  “THIS AFTERNOON,” she boomed.

  “But it’s after noon now!” gasped Invisible Isla, glancing at the kitchen clock.

  “THEN THE PET SHOW STARTS SOON SOON SOON!” Auntie Hettie boomed. “COME ON EVERYONE, IT’S TIME TO GO TO THE TOWN HALL AND WATCH FLUFFY-WUFF WIN WIN WIN!”

  Dad piped up first. “Sorry, Auntie Hettie, I can’t come. I have to dig up a prehistoric elephant. It’s a mammoth job.”

  “I can’t either. I’m ever so very ill,” said Invisible Isla with a shiver. “I’ll probably be in bed all day.”

  Mum put a comforting arm around her daughter. “I’ll stay at home to make you healthy broccoli soap, um, soup,” she said. Mum is a scientist – and she’s always mixing things up.

  That left Ross.

  Och, and me. I ever so really wanted to go – because Auntie Hettie had said NO!

  “ROSS, AS YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE LEFT, YOU GET TO CARRY MY PRECIOUS PET PAMPERING PACK!”

  Before he could answer, Auntie Hettie swept out of the room, whisking away Fluffy-Wuff like a broom. Um, or a whisk.

  Invisible Isla whispered to me, “Don’t worry, Porridge. We’ll smuggle you into the Best Pet Show.” She held out a wee rucksack and I jumped inside. “Porridge, you shall go to the…”

  …ball?

  “…Town Hall!”

  “Where’s Porridge?” asked Ross, swinging the rucksack onto his back.

  “He’s behind you,” said his sister.

  “Oh no he isn’t,” said Ross.

  Oh yes he is, mewed me. Och, it was just like being at a pantomime.

  10

  The Town Hall

  The Best Pet Show was taking place at the Tattiebogle Town Hall. Just a short walk away. (Or a long jog if you go at Auntie Hettie’s s-l-o-w speed.) Fluffy-Wuff walked beside her with his nose in the air. After a while they overtook a lazy snail.

  This one.

  Ross hugged the PET PAMPERING PACK like a baby… elephant and staggered after the pesky guest. It was really getting in his way. Unable to see, he tripped over that snail I just told you about. As he stumbled, I tumbled from his rucksack and landed on ma bahookie.

  Me-ow!

  The PET PAMPERING PACK flew from his fingers, and was about to splat a tartan cat (me!) when it mysteriously seemed to change its mind! It stopped in mid-air…

  …and floated back up into Ross’s hands.

  “It’s me,” whispered Invisible Isla. “I’m clearly here.” She had taken off her winter gear and followed us. She lifted me back into Ross’s rucksack.

  “Aun
tie Hettie and Fluffy-Wuff didn’t see a thing,” said Ross.

  Especially not Invisible Isla.

  Invisible Isla helped Ross carry the PET PAMPERING PACK to the Town Hall. I saw our neighbour Mavis with her elephant, Basil. They were in a long line of pets that snaked up the steps (especially the snakes). Ahead of us were dugs and slugs, goats and stoats, rats and bats, lice and mice…

  Mmmm. Mice.

  “I HAVE A V.I.P. CARD TO GET US IN FIRST,” boasted Auntie Hettie, waving a card with diamonds on.

  My mega-super-well-OK-not bad eyes saw it was just a Very Inky Playing card, but it did the trick! None of the other pets spotted it was a fake, not even the cheetah! She marched us past them, straight into the building.

  We entered the Getting-Ready Room where pets would be made beautiful before the show. Just one sentence later, IT WAS THE NOISIEST PLACE IN THE PORRIDGY-VERSE! The rabbits were rabbiting. The parrots were parroting. Even the yaks were yakking. (And it was all quite alarming for the llamas!)

  “IT’S POODLE-PAMPERING TIME,” said Auntie Hettie, switching on a FUNTANGLER brush. One of Gadget Grandad’s most famous inventions, it soon became a whirry-blur on Fluffy-Wuff’s fur. His hair became straight straightaway. There wasn’t a tangle or knot in sight.

  Next Auntie Hettie swirled some WHIRLYCURL onto Fluffy-Wuff’s coat and he got the whirliest, curliest fur I’d ever seen!

  After that, Auntie Hettie reached in for the WOOF POWDER.

  “FIRST ONE TO PULL OUT THE POT IS THE WINNER,” said Auntie Hettie to Ross, giving it a dogged tug.

  “I don’t think I put the lid back on properly at home,” Invisible Isla whispered to me.

  “I WON!” whooped Auntie Hettie, lifting the pot over her head like a trophy. Suddenly the lid fell off and she was showered in WOOF POWDER. Her proud whoops became loud woofs!

  Me-giggle!

  “WOOF! WOOF!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!!” she woofed.

  “Sorry, Auntie Hettie,” said Ross. “I didn’t understand a single woof you said.”

  “IT WAS WOOF LUCKY WOOF THERE WOOF WASN’T WOOF MUCH WOOF POWDER IN THE POT.”

  By the end of this sentence all the WOOFS had worn off.

  “What’s next?” asked Ross.

  “WE MAKE FLUFFY-WUFF LOOK BOOTIFUL!” said Auntie Hettie. She tied frilly booties onto his furry feet. “PAWFECT!”

  Ahem, I do the PUNchlines around here!

  Auntie Hettie hummed away happily as she tied floppy bows and fancy ribbons onto her dug. Meanwhile, he stood PAWfectly still, hardly able to move for all the silly frilly stuff. Auntie Hettie carefully buttoned him into a flashy jacket and gently pinned on his comPETitor number. All this fancy fussing wasn’t much fun for Fluffy-Wuff.

  All of a sudden, a bell rang.

  KLANG-A-LANG-LANGGG!

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m Florence McFudge, the Best Pet in Scotland Show judge! Could you please bring your pets into the Show Ring?” Florence McFudge wore a tweed jacket and had a ponytail on her head (until the pony trotted off into the Show Ring).

  “THIS WAY, FLUFFY-WUFF!” said Auntie Hettie, leading her pampered pooch towards the Show Ring. “NOW WE ARE GOING TO WIN WIN WIN!”

  The Best Pet Show was about to begin begin begin…

  Now, how was I going to get in in in?

  11

  The Obstacle Course, Of Course

  All the animals entered the Show Ring, walking, skipping, flying, clopping, crawling, squirming, slithering and hopping. Except me. I sat on ma bahookie and keeked out of Ross’s rucksack as he carried me in.

  Inside the Show Ring there was an obstacle course, of course.

  “The first round is a race!” said Florence McFudge. “The first pet to cross the line wins.”

  Auntie Hettie grinned at Ross. “FLUFFY-WUFF WILL BE FIRST AROUND THE COURSE, OF COURSE.”

  Hey! That’s my joke!

  Auntie Hettie jogged over to the judge and picked up her bell. My mega-super-well-OK-not-bad cat senses tingled as the pesky guest gave it a wee polish. I was sure she was up to no good.

  “ISN’T THIS BELL SHINY?” yelled Auntie Hettie, desperate to get the judge’s attention.

  “I can see my face in it,” said Florence McFudge. “Aye, it’s very appealing.”

  What she didn’t see was Auntie Hettie sneakily sending Fluffy-Wuff ahead to the first obstacle…

  Florence McFudge rang a bell. (I recognised her face from a page ago.)

  KLANG-A-LANG-LANGGG!

  Straightaway Fluffy-Wuff was in the lead (even though he wasn’t wearing one).

  He romped up a ramp…

  trooped through three hoops…

  funnelled through a tunnel…

  strolled around some poles…

  trudged past the judge, and…

  stalled beside a wall!

  Not really going fast at all!

  “GO GO GO!” urged Auntie Hettie.

  I’m almost out of puff puff puff, he ruff-ruff-ruffed!

  Meanwhile, my pal Basil was catching up! He was trumpeting and thumpeting around the Show Ring like a (not very big) herd of elephants.

  “Come on, Basil,” cried our neighbour Mavis Muckle, whizzing beside him wheely fast.

  Behind them was a long line of animals.

  A monkey, a donkey, giraffe, kangaroo.

  A parrot, a gerbil, iguana, gnu!

  By now Fluffy-Wuff was so weary he was almost overtaken by the snail from Chapter 10.

  “He must be weighed down by all his daft decorations,” said Invisible Isla. We watched the tired dug waddle along a seesaw. It tipped up then down and went KLUNK on the ground.

  “NOW RUN RUN RUN TO THE FINISH LINE,” cried the pesky guest.

  Weary Fluffy-Wuff woofed, I need a rest!

  Meanwhile, following him, Basil the big elephant squeezed into the tunnel and… GOT STUCK! The pets piled up behind his behind. The tunnel bulged like a snake that had swallowed a watermelon!

  “Oh no!” groaned Florence McFudge. “We weren’t expecting a pet as big as an elephant!”

  “I’d better help them out,” sighed Invisible Isla. She crawled along the tunnel, and PUUUUSSHHHED…

  Basil WHOOOOOSSHHHED!

  He popped out like a cork! Followed by a stork. And almost every animal you can think of (except a sloth called Slomo, who was still at the start of the race). The elephant flew as fast as a jumbo jet… and landed KERFLUMP on Fluffy Wuff!

  See?

  “I’m a dug, not a rug,” grumbled the pesky pooch, whose nose was just over the finish line.

  “MY DUG WON BY A WHISKER!” whooped Auntie Hettie. “HE’S THE BEST BEST BEST!”

  “Hold your horse, er, dug,” said Florence McFudge. “This Pet Show still has four more rounds to go.”

  “What’s next?” whispered Invisible Isla.

  Hmmm. Let’s turn the page and find out. I’m hoping it will be a ‘Who Can Eat The Most Fishy Biscuits?’ round.

  Me-yum!

  12

  It Wasn’t

  It was a ‘Which Pet Can Sing the Best?’ round.

  “MY DUG, OF COURSE!” cried Auntie Hettie, sitting her pet beside a wee brown nightingale.

  Mmmm. Nightingale.

  All the animals lined up in front of the judge. The frogs sang first. They were a bit croaky. Next up was a pony, which was a little hoarse. After that, two baboons crooned while a hummingbird hummed along. Then Basil trumpeted a tune.

  “THAT’S NOT SINGING,” grumbled Auntie Hettie.

  “I’ll be the judge,” said Florence McFudge. “Next song please.”

  The wee brown nightingale began to croon a terrific tune. Not that you could see her. Fluffy-Wuff was hiding the wee bird behind his big fluffy paw and pretending to sing along with the song!

  What a con!

  Florence McFudge closed her eyes dreamily and waltzed around to the sound of the brawsome warbling. When the tricksy tune stopped, the room was so quiet you could hear a pig drop.

&nb
sp; Sqweeeeeeee-boink-oink!

  The audience clapped.

  Auntie Hettie did a bow and Fluffy-Wuff did a bow-wow-wow!

  “Your dug sings like a nightingale!” trilled the judge.

  “ANOTHER WIN!” grinned Auntie Hettie, patting her pesky pet. No one had spotted his rhyme mime crime. (Apart from the twins and you and me.) But there was no time to tell the judge – she had moved on to the next challenge.

  Florence McFudge waved the pets over to a shiny stage beside the obstacle course. “I want all you animals to do a Music and Dance Routine,” she declared. “One by one.”

  Auntie Hettie whooped, “LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE RUMBLE, UM, WHAT’S THE WORD?”

  Grumble?

  13

  It’s A Cat Fling

  “The animal with the best moves will win the Music and Dance Routine round!” announced Florence McFudge.

  “I wonder who it will be,” said Ross.

  “FLUFFY-WUFF, OF COURSE!” said Auntie Hettie, ever so extra-boastfully in ever so extra-big letters!

  The round got off to a flying start. The flamingos did a flamenco dance, delighting the crowd by flapping and clapping and spinning around. (And standing on one leg!)

  Then the chihuahuas danced the cha cha, with speedy wee steps.

  They were followed by two foxes who performed the slow-quick-quick-slow foxtrot and helpfully brushed the floor with their bushy tails.