Porridge the Tartan Cat and the Unfair Funfair Read online

  “You’re right!” cackled Fangus, dancing with Joy (one of his scarewolves). “I’m glad I thought of that!”

  Och, it was me! Then my mega-super-well-OK-not-bad eyes spied Ross sploshing out of the yucky water, clutching something between his paws.

  Isla held her nose just in case it was something stinky from Sprouter Space. Don’t forget to hold yours again too. (I can’t hold my nose because I don’t have thumbs.)

  Roaring Ross jumped, skipped and hopped his way back to Nibbles. Then he stood as still as someone who is really good at musical statues.

  “Show me what’s in your paws,” cried Fangus.

  Roaring Ross didn’t move. Fangus snatched his whistle from Nibbles and blew hard.

  SCHWEEEEEEEP

  Roaring Ross opened his paws to reveal a wee rock. It was green and round and looked just like the sprouts that Fangus had stuffed up his nose in Chapter 11. The slightest breeze made it glow brighter, and we could just begin to smell its perilous pong.

  Then Fangus gently dropped it in a wee glass vial, and popped on a stopper. “This vial will smell vile after a while. It’s a good job I’ve got these sprouts up ma nose. One whiff will knock out everyone in Tattiebogle Town for a week!”

  “We have to grab that vile vial,” whispered Isla.

  Me-how?

  I needed some time to think of a plan. So it would help if you could please turn this page over really s-l-o-w-l-y.

  Me-thanks.

  16

  Porridge Has A Plan (But It’s Not Very Good)

  Because of your super s-l-o-w page turning, I had exactly the right amount of time to work out how to snatch the vile vial from Fangus.

  My plan was simple. All it needed was this:

  a) me

  b) some running

  c) some pouncing

  d) more me.

  It was so simple it couldn’t fail.

  Here goes.

  I ran towards Fangus in my mega-super-well-OK-not-bad-ninja-cat mode and… tripped over my tail.

  Me-splat

  “Drat that tatty cat!” grumbled Fangus, so furious and angry he was FANGRY! He blew his whistle and a scarewolf scooped me in its arms. It really whiffed, and ma poor whiskers shrivelled like dried-up worms.

  Me-gasp

  “I’ll save you, Porridge,” said Isla, in full mega-super-well-OK-not-bad-for-a-human-saving-Porridge mode. She dashed across the grass to rescue me (and hopefully reward me with a fishy biscuit for being so brave). Isla hadn’t gone far, just half a sentence, when she tripped over a scarewolf’s tail.

  Me-oops

  The stinky old scarewolf snatched Isla in a bear hug (even though it was not a scarebear). Now there was no way we could retrieve that rock from Fangus.

  Me-sigh

  Sometimes things don’t go to plan, especially plans.

  “We’re wasting time,” snapped Fangus, now so furious and grumpy he was FRUMPY, which was not a good fashion look. He whistled an order:

  SCHWEEEEP-PEEP-PEEP-PEEP…PEEP!

  All the scarewolves scampered after him. I had no idea where we were being taken. It was a mystery more mysterious than THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING FISHY-BISCUIT-FLAVOURED ICE CREAM by Conan Flake, my favourite author.

  I was about to ask you to flick forward a few pages to find the answer, when Fangus saved you the trouble. “We’re going to the giant spinny thing over there.”

  “It’s called the Big Wheel,” said Isla.

  Because it’s wheely big, I meowed.

  17

  Runny Porridge

  The scarewolves took us to the big wheel called the Big Wheel. Alongside it was the wee kiosk that controlled the ride, called The Wee Kiosk That Controlled The Ride.

  “Time to get the Big Wheel moving,” said Fangus, stepping inside, with terrible mischief in his eyes and horrid sprouts up his nose. My mega-super-well-OK-not-bad eyes saw a rusty lever on a dusty control box.

  Fangus lifted the lever halfway up. It pointed to FAST so the wheel would go, um, FAST.

  “That should be enough,” he puffed. The Big Wheel began turning. It would take a few pages to reach the right speed.

  “Why are you spinning this ride?” cried Isla. “No one is on it.”

  “I’m a big fan of this wheel,” Fangus bellowed, “and it’s a big FAN of mine. When I climb the Helter Skelter and hold up the stinky space rock, this whirling wheel will blow a sprouty smell all over Tattiebogle Town! Then my scarewolves will rob every house. Only after that will I set you and that tatty cat free. Here’s something for you while you wait.”

  “There’s always a catch with your giveaways,” groaned Isla.

  “Aye,” said Fangus, throwing her a bottle of ScareJuice. “Catch!”

  Isla didn’t catch it. Instead, she swung her left leg and booted the bothersome bottle into the darkness.

  “Bah. I can easily make more,” grunted Fangus, nodding at Nibbles. “All I have to do is gather water from my pet wolf’s paw prints.”

  “Is that all?” asked Isla curiously.

  “Well, the watery wolf prints must be bathed in moonlight. But that’s not really important right now!”

  Wrong.

  That was the most marvell-ificen-tabulous-ly essential information in the whole porridgyverse. It gave me a notion how to make my own potion!

  “We have to do something,” whispered Isla.

  I’m a bit tied up at the moment, I meowed, still trapped and wrapped in an itchy scarewolf hug, hoping it didn’t have fleas.

  Me-scratch

  I needed to get away.

  Me-how?

  “What is that cat scratching and me-howing about?” grumbled Fangus. The nosy nuisance took a step closer to me. THAT was a big mistake. His face crinkled up like an old crisp packet. He wiped his nosy, runny nose on his sleeve and let out a tremendous sneeze –

  CAT-CHOOOOOOO!

  – that blew my scarewolf off his feet. I wriggled free.

  “Run!” cried Isla.

  I darted off, more runny than Fangus’s nose, and quickly hid behind the Hook-a-Piranha stall. I needed a new plan.

  Me-think!

  18

  The Potion Notion

  Just after this chapter started, I had the most fabul-ificent-tastic idea a cat could ever have.

  Me-eureka!

  I wasn’t going to make ScareJuice – I was going to make something much better: PorridgeJuice! And I had to do it before the Big Wheel reached its full speed…

  The ground around the Hook-a-Piranha stall was muddy and damp – I had splashed a lot of water when I fished for a piranha. So now I padded around, leaving deep paw prints in the wet ground.

  Squelch squelch squelch squelch

  Next I did a very brave thing. I dived into the Hook-a-Piranha stall pool like a daft dug. (Don’t tell anyone.)

  SPA-LOOOOOSH!

  Wet stuff went everywhere! One very soggy moggy (me) dropped onto the grass, and checked out the Porridge prints. They were full of water that magically rippled in the moonlight.

  I’d made watery PorridgeJuice!

  Me-lucky

  Next, I picked up the prize prize: a squirty ScareSoaker. It would be purr-fect for sucking up the PorridgeJuice.

  Me-sucky

  Just then, I saw a wolf print. This one still had a paw in it. And a leg and a body and a tail and if you put that all together you get… NIBBLES!

  Me-tremble

  Fangus told me to follow you! she growled, with a wolfish grin. We thought you might try to make some ScareJuice. Then turn him into a scarewolf. Then blow a whistle and command him to stop being naughty. Then get him to open a shop in the Highlands and sell fridge magnets and tea-towels with pictures of tartan YOU on the front.

  I said nothing. I wasn’t going to admit I was making PorridgeJuice, which would be way better than ScareJuice.

  Nibbles stepped closer in the howling wind. I’m here to chase you out of Tattiebogle Town. Or order you a taxi. Once you leave
, you can never come back!

  With that, she sprang at me with her claws out!

  Me-gulp!

  Luckily, mid-leap, a blustery gust from the whirling Big Wheel suddenly swirled her away…

  I’ll be baaaack, she howled, because that’s what baddies always say.

  Me-phew!

  Apart from Nibbles blowing off, which sounds rude but isn’t really, things were not looking good. (Except me. I always look good.)

  1) Isla was still trapped by a scarewolf!

  2) Ross still was a scarewolf!!

  3) Fangus was about to stink out the town!!!

  The Big Wheel was spinning faster and faster – I had to hurry!

  I dipped the ScareSoaker into each Porridgy pawprint and sucked up every drop of PorridgeJuice.

  SCHHLOOOP

  Now I had what I needed to foil Fangus McFungus. All I had to do was squirt him with my magical muddy moggy mixture.

  Wish me luck…

  19

  Full Of Wind

  I stuffed the ScareSoaker in my fur coat, and began to bravely battle back through the blustery blasts.

  Meanwhile, Fangus was busy climbing the twisty steps of the Helter Skelter as fast as he could, which was ever-so-really slow because he never did any exercise – apart from running a tap, or jogging his memory.

  Ten minutes later, Fangus reached the top. He was completely puffed out, like that wolf in the three little pigs story.

  By now, the Big Wheel was spinning as fast as a hurricane, and blowing as fast as a hurricane, but it wasn’t actually a hurricane because it was made of metal and gears and ‘stay in your seat’ signs.

  “When I – puff – get ma breath back,” gasped Fangus, “I will blow ma – wheeze – whistle and order Roaring Ross to yank the lever up to SUPER FAST speed. Then I’ll unstopper this space rock vial and – pant – Tattiebogle Town will be under ma terrible spell.”

  Terrible smell, more like.

  So nothing happened for another ten minutes while everyone waited for Fangus to get his breath back.

  Me-yawn

  “You’re full of wind – just like your FangFair,” Isla yelled up at him. Her words were being blown about all over the page.

  “Your cat may have escaped, but you won’t!” he yelled down.

  Fangus looked over at her beastly brother. He whistled once and Roaring Ross walked slowly towards the wee kiosk, which was now shaking wildly in the wind. But before he could step inside, it was gone.

  SWOOOOOOSSSHHH

  It was blown into the stormy sky just like that wooden house in The Wizard Of Some-Place-That-Sounds-Like-Australia.

  Luckily for Fangus, the lever for speeding up the ride was left behind.

  Me-groan

  The FangFair owner put the whistle to his lips…

  SCHWEEEP-PEEEEEP

  …and commanded Roaring Ross to push the lever to SUPER FAST.

  Even though Isla wasn’t all there in the Height Department, she was fully grown in the Bravery Department. And the Say-What-You-Really-Think Department. And also the Better-Try-To-Stop-My-Brother-From-Doing-Something-Daft Department.

  “Rossssssssss! Don’t touch that lever or I’ll tell Dad!” she shouted.

  But the beastly boy-wolf couldn’t hear. His eyes were glazed (like the yucky cherries that children pick off cakes, so they can just eat the icing and the sponge bit). He walked like a mummy and a zombie mixed together – a mumbie!

  Or was it a zommy?

  And began to pull the lever towards SUPER FAST!

  It was time to put my PorridgeJuice plan into action. As silent and slippery as a cat burglar in slippers, I made my way towards the Helter Skelter slide. No one saw me.

  “Hi Porridge,” said Isla.

  OK. Isla saw me.

  As soon as she spotted the ScareSoaker in my mouth, she realised I was plotting something. “Are you going to squirt Fangus?”

  I nodded, but I had no time to chat. Instead, I scampered up the Helter Skelter slide in slow-motion – because it was really blowy, remember – and it took a really long sentence to reach the top of the twisty steps and meet face-to-leg with Fangus, who held the vile vial in his hand.

  Stay where you are! I meowed, pointing the ScareSoaker at him.

  Fangus gasped. “Are you going to turn me into a scarewolf?”

  No, a scarecat!

  I squirted his gawping mouth with my muddy moggy mixture.

  “Blurgghhh,” he spluttered, as it fizzed down his throat. “That tasted furrible.”

  Zoweee-woweee-meoweeeeee

  And here’s a song about what happened next.

  Fangus sprouted a tail

  And whiskers too,

  His face became furry

  And tartan paws grew,

  His ears became pointy

  He let out a mew,

  Then yowled in the night

  Like tartan cats do!

  YOWW-WOWW-WOWWWL

  “Wa-hoooo! You’re half-man, half-kitten!” shouted Isla, watching from below.

  You’re a MITTEN, I meowed.

  20

  What A Blow

  “Bah! I can easily change myself back. I made an antidote with the help of my Aunty Dot!” said furry Fangus, straightening his wonky wig. “It’s kept out of reach and surrounded by locks.”

  He’d understood me, being half cat, but I could barely hear him. The Big Wheel was now spinning at SUPER FAST speed. A swirly whirly twirly blur!

  The PURR-fect speed to stink out the town.

  Me-frown

  The tall Helter Skelter wobbled wildly in the wind, more battered than a deep-fried chocolate bar. Fangus held out the vile vial. A stinky green mist was swirling inside.

  “If you think being a mitten will stop me, you’re wrong! This is the purr-fect mewment to release the pong! Three, two— CAT-CHOO!”

  That, by the way, was the biggest sneeze in this story. It came from furry Fangus, who was suddenly sneezing all over the place, but mainly in this book. He pawed at his fur and he clawed at his tail, and let out a wail. “What’s happening to me?”

  “You’re allergic to yourself!” whooped Isla.

  Furry Fangus yowled with rage.

  YOW-WOWW-WOWWWL

  He wasn’t the only one furry and full of fury. Nibbles was back! The wolf was battling step-by-step against the wind that had blown her away. She had anger in her eyes, and hedgehogs on her paws (for grip).

  I’m looking for a cat, she howled.

  I ducked out of sight.

  Mmmm. Duck.

  Nibbles stared up and saw furry Fangus. The wolf licked her lips. Porridge wasn’t on the menu any more!

  Me-phew

  Nibbles swept up the steps, and did a bit of light dusting with her tail. At the top, she paused her paws and stared at furry Fangus, who quivered with fright.

  Go away! Shoo! he wheezed, in half-Cat language.

  Then he sneezed again.

  CAT-CHOO!

  For a moment, his eyes were shut. (That always happens when you sneeze.) This was my chance to be a hero and grab the vile vial. I sprang like a tartan panther and swiped my paw at the glowing glass bottle.

  Missed, Fangus hissed, stepping to one side.

  Me-oops

  To my surprise, I slid down the Helter Skelter!

  Me-swoooooooooooooooooosh

  I bounced at the bottom – on my bottom – and landed with a FLUMMMPFF in a candyfloss machine!

  Me-not again!

  Och, I couldn’t believe it. I was covered from my nose to my toes in icky sticky candyfloss!

  Me-yuck!

  Me-STUCK!

  21

  Saved By The Belly

  Now, we really needed to stop the Big Wheel, but Roaring Ross was still as still as a statue. Isla was in the grip of a stinky scarewolf. And I was stuck in a sticky candyfloss machine. Again.

  Me-sigh

  Soon Fangus would open the vile vial and stink out EVERYTHING! including the pa
ges of this book. If we didn’t stop him you’d never want to read this smelly story ever again!

  Only something TOTALLY amazing and SLIGHTY unbelievable can save us now.

  WHEEEEEEE…

  Suddenly the big metal bell from the test-your-strength machine fell from the sky! All the way from Chapter 5.

  TOTALLY amazingly and SLIGHTLY unbelievably, it BASHED the Big Wheel lever back down to its OFF position. The wheely Big Wheel slowed. The wind dropped. And everything stopped.

  “Saved by the bell,” joked Isla.

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried furry Fangus using up lots of ink. He leaned out of the Helter Skelter for a better look – and that was when Nibbles bit him on the bahookie!

  OW-WOWW-WOWWW-WOWWWW!

  The beastly baddy threw his mitteny paws in the air… and the vile vial slipped from his furry grip. It was sure to CRASH on the ground below and RELEASE its awful aroma. We hadn’t been saved by the bell, after all…

  But the glass bottle had a very soft landing.

  On my sticky-icky tum!

  “Saved by the belly,” joked Isla.

  22

  End Of The Ride

  Now that the Big Wheel had come to a stop, the grounds of Tattiebogle Castle were filled with a brawsome silence.

  Listen.

  And a not-so-brawsome, bashed-up FangFair. No more would the unfair funfair come to town – unless Fangus was good at jigsaws and could stick it all back together. (Hint: He wasn’t!)